Sometimes You Just Need to Cry

I like to have it all together. Or at least act like I do. I also like to have things completely planned out. If I go a day without looking at my planner, I get antsy. Do not get me wrong, I also love spontanaety, when it's fun. This has been my struggle for quite a few years now, the lack of knowing what the future holds causes anxiety. But I also realize that if I could plan everything in my life out to a T, it might not end up as it should, or could have.

I go through seasons of being extremely confident in the present and my plans for the future. I have my weekly to-do lists that help me get things done in an orderly fashion, keeping my sanity. I have my long-term goals of going back to school and knowing tasks I need to complete in order to get there. But sometimes, that just isn't enough to keep me from being scared or worried. Sometimes, not knowing gets the best of me and I just need a small emotional breakdown to placate me.

On many occasions I have gone to bed after a usual day of work, and something triggers a plethora of self-asked questions. What am I doing with my life? Where am I going? How will it all work out? What if I don't get into graduate school and get stuck working a low-paid job for another year? And then the crying begins, I lie down, letting the tears soak through my pillow. I always start asking God the same questions I ask myself. I don't expect and audible answer, although that would be an easier solution. I don't usually figure it all out in the silence of my room, I do feel a little better after I have shed a few tears and finally shut my eyes for night.

I am sure many of you have gone through the same or similar situation. One thing that I cling to is that God has it all taken care of. While I don't believe he determines the decisions I make, He does have a plan for me and holds me in the palm of his hand. You may not believe this at all, nor cling to any belief system such as Christianity. But, as far as my life goes, God has proven himself time and time again that if I just wait patiently (whether that be for a week or for a year), He does provide. So, for now I will make the best of what I have and where I'm going and just give it my all to be still and wait until the next chapter unfolds.